A Startling Fact About How To Stop Communication Disasters ...With One Question

If you're in a relationship, odds are you have had one of those moments where things go south in a big way. The silent treatment. Unreturned messages. Arguments that spiral out of control before they can be addressed. If you're in a relationship, odds are you've had one of those moments where things have gone right. The silent treatment. Unreturned messages. Arguments that are addressed before they can get out of hand … until they do get out of hand, at which point they spiral out of control before they can be addressed.

If you've never had your communication go up in flames, chances are you're too young to have had the kind of relationships that go best with a healthy foundation of communication. But if communication is not at the root of your relationship problems (and it so often is), it's worth taking a look at how sometimes, the most basic and seemingly insignificant questions can derail relationships forever. And the good news is, this isn't just a trait of relationships. The same thing happens with families, work situations and even in our own minds. We make assumptions on faulty data—often in an effort to fill in gaps of knowledge—and before we know it, we're fighting dirty with the people we love and the people we don't because those gaps have to be filled somehow.

My favorite article about communication—one that used to pop up all the time in my Facebook feed and e-mail inbox when I looked for discussions online (and which still does from time to time)—is "The Five Stages of Communication" by Janice Kaplan. Kaplan's four-part structure of how we respond to fellow human beings provides an easy-to-follow framework for how we can get on the path to resolving conflicts in our relationships and even in our lives. She doesn't say it, but she gets right down to it: If you have trouble communicating properly with your wife, friend or co-worker, chances are it has something to do with your expectation of communication.

In a recent post, I wrote about the topic of communication, and unfortunately, people took the conversation too far. It led to some great discussions about communication in relationships, but it also led to some pointed and personal attacks—on both sides of the fence. [Here's that post if you want to read it.]

For those who are interested in learning more about how horrible overlooked assumptions can bring down even the best of relationships, let me recommend "The Magician's Nephew" by C.S. Lewis (and his sequels). If you want to see how communication can be a weapon of mass destruction and a tool of pure creation, look no further.

I am now going to share what I consider for posterity's sake as Janice Kaplan's Five Stages of Communication. This is not to say that every instance of human interaction can be reduced to such simplicity, but—as readers have pointed out since my last post—it is applicable to many instances of conflict resolution.

Let's get started with stage 1:

1. The idea that the other person will respond in the way you want her/him to.

What this looks like in action: Let's say you're upset because your colleague didn't include you on an important project at work. You're sure she's miffed, when in reality she's just being overloaded and didn't have time to play nice. So you check your e-mail, and there's a message from your colleague, expressing her frustration at the same thing: that she didn't get to be involved with the project.

What this looks like in action: You've been having this argument with your partner for months now. He doesn't understand why you want to go out all the time, and you can't believe he can be so insensitive when it comes to how much he almost always expects you to do all the cooking and cleaning. You finally decide that you need some time alone (or in this case, unemployed). You reach for the phone, and you're about to start calling him thick as a brick when you realize that maybe he has a point.

2. The idea that because X happened, Y must happen.

What this looks like in action: Your partner is grumpy with you because of what happened in the kitchen yesterday. You check your Facebook newsfeed, and there's an article where someone else rips your cooking (you think) to shreds. You decide it's time to show him who's boss in the kitchen.

What this looks like in action: Your wife has always been a bit of a shrew when she's offered constructive criticism, and you've found that it's easier to take it when you're given it at face value. You're frustrated because she keeps acting as if you have an expiration date. When your boss gives you feedback, he never takes it personally. You decide that maybe he's on to something.

3. The idea that the other person will respond in the way s/he has responded before—even though—well, especially since —you are well aware of any changes in behavior or circumstances.

What this looks like in action: You're still frustrated from yesterday, so you start grabbing your wife's clothes to throw them away. She suddenly gets angry at you for being so crass about her laundry.

What this looks like in action: Your husband is late for work every day, and you keep asking him to leave earlier the next morning—but he doesn't. You snap at him for not listening to you and begrudgingly decide that he'll never listen.

4. The idea that the other person will respond in a way consistent with your expectations—regardless of any inconsistencies between what s/he says, thinks, believes or does (and despite any lack of evidence that s/he has done so before).

Conclusion: The above basically means that—even if you know your partner is angry with you, maybe he's just in a bad mood, or maybe it's something that has nothing to do with you—you deeply believe that the person you love will act like this (or think like that) at all times, every time. Because in your mind, the person you love always is consistent.

What this looks like in action: You're having a late dinner and start to get frustrated when your date starts talking about his day. When he talks about his day being great, you feel left out even though everything he says sounds perfect to you.