Trusting And Honoring Your Feelings

Sometimes, there's a part of our inner dialogue that says we shouldn't trust or honor our feelings because they're inconvenient, embarrassing, or unpleasant. But when it comes to this work of emotional honesty and self-care, that couldn't be more misguided.

In fact, honoring and trusting your feelings is the best thing you can do for yourself — it's the only way to uncover what belongs in your life and what doesn't. So if you're trying to move forward in any way — professionally, personally, spiritually — but your feelings are telling you otherwise, just follow them! That part of ourselves knows everything we need to know about where we should go next.

If you're having trouble with this concept, know that I hear it all the time. The first step in accepting your feelings is to be willing to listen — for yourself and for others. And the second step is to be compassionate and loving toward yourself — because without this first step, you can't even listen. If you're struggling with this process, let me share a simple example of what I mean:

One of my clients had been working hard on her career for a few years and was starting to get some traction. At the same time, she was really pouring everything she had into her relationship, which wasn't going too well and seemed to have hit a rough patch. I asked her how she felt about it, and she said: "I feel like I'm trying so hard to make this work, but it's not working. I don't know why."

There was a split second of quiet when I realized that it took a lot of guts for her to say that she didn't know why — especially with someone else in the room. It was kind of like coming clean with something no one else knew about yet. That's when I knew this wasn't going to be easy for either of us.

That first step is really important — you have to be willing to listen even if you're not sure you want to hear what your feelings are telling you. This step is where most people get stuck. But once you're willing to listen and consider the possibility that your feelings might be right, you can begin the process of looking deeper and asking yourself questions to see what really needs to be changed.

Once you've asked yourself the right questions, you'll start to better understand how it all fits together and how each part of your situation affects the other parts — which means that if you adjust one part, everything else will change in harmony.

It's a wonderful thing when we're willing to look at things from our feelings' point of view, because this allows us to experience a level of peace and calmness in our lives we wouldn't otherwise have experienced. It's so easy to get caught up in the details and get so caught up in ourselves that we forget that our feelings are a signal. We need to listen and trust them, regardless of what anyone around us is telling us. Here's one more example:

One of my friends had been experiencing some physical symptoms, which were making her feel very vulnerable and unsteady. I asked her how she felt about it, and she said:

"I don't know what to think or do. I feel like I should go see my doctor or something, but I hate the thought of having all these tests done. I just don't know."

"I hear what you're saying. What do you feel like doing right now?"

"It's too hard to think. I don't know how to decide what would make me better, but it feels like the worst thing in the world to be sick."

"That sounds like a pretty accurate description of those feelings, yes."

"I feel hopeless. What good will going to the doctor do?"

"Do you feel hopeless because you don't know what to do, or is that just one of your feelings about this situation?"

"I don't know. I don't understand why I'm getting sick. It seems so out of place and odd. I really hate it."

"And when you think about it, does that change your feelings about going to the doctor?"

"No, not really. But what if I do have something serious?"

"Do you think you have something serious?"

"I don't know."

The first step toward getting unstuck is acknowledging how we feel and listening to ourselves — which takes courage. Once we've taken that step, each time we encounter feelings, they begin to make more sense — and we're free to explore what needs fixing. To illustrate the power of this process, here's a true story my friend told me one time:

She was in her mid-20s at the time and had gone through a difficult messy break-up. It was his first serious relationship, and she'd been with him for about a year. After some initial confusion about what happened, she decided it must have been his fault. She expected him to call and leave some kind of message explaining that he wasn't being faithful, but he didn't. And this really set her off — she felt like he just thought she would take it, so why should she bother calling him? He either wanted to hurt her or was stupid.

After two weeks of feeling this way, she'd had it — the situation was horrible and she needed some answers and closure. So after about two weeks passed without any communication from him at all, she decided to send him an email out of the blue:

"Hey . . . I didn't really want to do this because I wasn't sure if you still even cared. I just thought that I'd let you know that . . . I don't like being ignored."

About two minutes into the message she realized something: "I'm sounding like the most bitter girlfriend in the world — I'm so hurt and angry, and I can't believe he can be this selfish!" She sent the email to her best friend with instructions to read it out loud to her, and asked her what she thought.

"I think he's an idiot," said my friend's best friend.

"What?!" she said, shocked. "But you never showed this type of anger with him before. How come you're never like this with me?"

"Because I usually wait a little longer before I'm this mad. But I think it's okay that you're this angry. You've had some time to let him go, but now you just need to get over it and move on."

"Are you telling me I've been giving him too much space?"

"Yeah, pretty much. And don't worry about what other people think, just send the email and let him know how pissed off he's made you.

Conclusion

If you're like most people, your feelings have probably been ignored, dismissed, or misunderstood more often than not. This is really unfortunate because feelings are really good at pointing us in the direction of change. The earlier we learn to trust our feelings and cooperate with them, the easier it will be to make better choices in life — and to enjoy and appreciate the people around us. So here's my advice:

Listen to your feelings — and let them help you figure out what needs fixing.

But how do I do that??

There's a lot of wisdom and truth in what your feelings tell you.