The Power Behind Understanding Resistance

Resistance is a funny thing. It makes the people around you feel like they're walking on eggshells, afraid to do what they want to do or say what they need to say. It makes you think twice about submitting a resume because you don't know how it will be received. When push comes to shove and you have mastered your own fears, resistance dissolves in the face of real understanding and compassion. Let me explain.

The first time I encountered resistance in a relationship, it was new territory for me. I had never seen or experienced it before in previous relationships where I was the recipient of it. So when my now-husband came out swinging after we had been dating a couple of months ("I can't do this anymore" and "I don't want to be with you" being the most commonly-heard phrases) and in the face of repeated requests for an explanation, my first reaction was hurt, confusion, and anger. But as I sat back and observed, I saw that he was a guy who was used to 'solving' his problems in a way that wasn't possible for me. He never stopped to actually listen and understand me so he could try to see my point of view. It wasn't until months into our relationship that he finally understood the hurtful impact of his words and learned how to talk about his feelings in a way that didn't negate mine.

The Resistance That Doesn't Want To Be Understood When people resist you, it doesn't necessarily mean they're trying to hurt you; they just don't want their world disrupted or their plans altered. Resisting someone is a way of coping with fear and discomfort. To them, it's not about you or even what you're doing; it's about their feelings about it. When someone resists you, ask yourself "What's really at the root of this?"

  Why People Resist Resolving a conflict can be scary on many levels because it can challenge people to look at (gasp!) themselves and see how they might be contributing to the problem! The thing is, resistance is pretty much all people know how to do when they feel like they're losing control over a situation. In the face of conflict, most people freeze up or get all reactive. If they know how to get away with it, they'll blame others and try to make you believe that you're the source of their problem.

Now, there's a difference between being resistant and not wanting to change or be pushed into something. In fact, the feeling of resistance is often a reflection of how much someone cares about you. For example, if someone really cares about you but doesn't want to admit that they've been hiding something from you because they don't want you upset with them, they may resist when asked point-blank if they did whatever it is you think they did. They may even pretend like there's nothing going on so that you don't get agitated or start questioning them or their motives. In reality, they're just trying to avoid the discomfort of a conflict.

Resistance is different from someone who doesn't want to change because they don't see the problem or don't care at all about the relationship. They may shrug you off with "It's not a big deal," or tell you in no uncertain terms that it's none of your business.

However, if someone really cares about you and wants to be with you, once you point out their resistance and show them that it's hurting your feelings or damaging your relationship, they will stop doing it.

Why People Resist

They don't want to admit they're wrong, even if it doesn't make sense.

They're afraid of being blamed or shamed.

They don't know how to communicate in a way that creates understanding and connection.

How To Stop Resisting Someone who resists you needs you more than ever, because they also need someone who can help them come out of their own fear and comfort zone. All it takes is an honest conversation in which you try to understand where they are coming from, while accepting that they may not see what they're doing as a problem in the first place.

The only way to help someone overcome their resistance to something is by giving them the space and support they need to find out what's really going on.

Be respectful, sensitive, and compassionate.

Be patient; resistance is often learned in childhood.

Try to understand their position prior to approaching them about it. For example, if they're not sure how you feel about something, tell them that you care about what they think of you and can see why they might feel confused or uncomfortable telling you exactly how they feel. See if you can get them there without blaming them for resisting (and especially without shaming or judging them).

Take time for yourself . It takes courage to stand up for yourself and confront someone who may be resistant to you. Don't forget that you have a right to take time for yourself and heal.

Always hold the boundaries of what you're willing and not willing to do, because being firm is the only thing that gives people 'permission' to face their fears in order to get what they really want. For example, if someone isn't interested in the same things you are, don't waste your time trying to pull them out of their comfort zone; neither of you will feel comfortable, and it won't last!

Give it time . Some people resist change because they're afraid it's going to take too much work, or they're just not ready emotionally. Others know they're ready and willing, but their fear of letting go of control makes them act like they're not. If you can find a way to show them that it's worth it – that you really mean what you say and are willing to help in any way possible – your relationship will grow stronger.

It's important to recognize that resistance isn't always a sign of disrespect or disregard; it could be the result of someone needing more time and space to feel safe enough before they can accept your offer. In such a case, you'll want to schedule another time to discuss the issue and give them an opportunity to be ready for it. If you put pressure on them, they may feel resentful for being forced into something that makes them feel uncomfortable.

Resistance is very different from someone not wanting or caring about the relationship enough to make an effort to work on it. That doesn't mean that you should give up; it simply means you're dealing with someone who only cares enough about their own needs or wants to be with you in order for the relationship to work out.

Conclusion

Once you recognize that resistance is a form of conflict, you're in a better position to deal with it. You can stop reacting to it when you feel like the other person is being resistant, and then use it as an opportunity to find out what's really going on. By approaching resistance with understanding and compassion, you not only help stop the behavior in your relationship, but also give others who are resisting you the chance to reevaluate their own behavior.