Change requires you to shift your identity of who you are.

Change requires you to shift your identity of who you are.

Suppose you've faced a significant life transition, from graduating from college and starting a new job to surviving the death of a loved one and becoming single again. In that case, chances are you've had some trouble adjusting. And if it weren't for your close friends who were there to pick up the pieces, the change would have been even more difficult.

In some ways, these individuals helped to shape your identity. Before meeting them, there was an emptiness inside of you that felt like something was missing; together, you integrated aspects of their personalities into your own and became someone different — someone, better than before.

Most of the time, this integration happens quickly, so your friends don't notice that they helped you to change. But sometimes, it's hard to remember everything they did to you and what you did for them in return, as if a veil over your mind separates the two of you.

This phenomenon, also known as transference, is something we all go through in relationships with close others that crosses over into our own identities. We transfer aspects of their personality — such as how outgoing they are or how much they love people — while at the same time staying true to ourselves because we want to impress them and keep them happy.

But sometimes there's a mistake. A hard truth is then spoken, breaking the spell that has kept you in the old skin for so long. You suddenly realize that you are who you are and that this old skin was an illusion of their making, which was never really yours to begin with.

In many ways, such a discovery can be very freeing, yet at the same time, it can feel scary because everything seems unfamiliar and strange. The longer you stay in your old skin while trying to get used to your new one, the more panic you feel as if something is jinxing you.

After a significant change, such as losing a job or getting married, it takes time for your body and mind to heal from all the trauma. People who have had changes like this in the past may choose not to tell their friends because they don't want them to worry about them and undermine the healing process. This behavior can be considered "the big reveal" — something friends are often reluctant to do because they don't want to rock anyone's boat.

It's hard to let go of your old identity because it feels like you're dismissing who you are and what you know. It isn't very comforting to face yourself without the security blanket of a loving partner or a career that makes you feel complete. It takes guts to embrace who you are at your core, even if it means being alone. Here are some ways for your friends to help:

Be supportive of their change. Be there for them when they need it and make sure they know that this will be a difficult transition for them. Tell them that no matter what happens, you will stand by their side throughout the process and ensure they don't lose sight of themselves in the chaos.

Be there for them when they need it and make sure they know that this will be a difficult transition for them. Tell them that no matter what happens, you will stand by their side throughout the process and ensure they don't lose sight of themselves in the chaos. Be patient with their confusion. Be supportive of their new identity and encourage them to take baby steps toward accepting it. 

When you're going through a painful transformation, it can feel like you're being torn in two different directions at once, so try to help your friend by being patient while they work through the process.

Be supportive of their new identity and encourage them to take baby steps toward accepting it. When you're going through a painful transformation, it can feel like you're being torn in two different directions at once, so try to help your friend by being patient while they work through the process. Validate their feelings. Let your friend learn that their feelings are understandable and valid. 

They face a big step toward self-discovery, so be careful not to patronize or make fun of them for trying to find themselves.

Let your friend know that their feelings are understandable and valid. They face a big step toward self-discovery, so be careful not to patronize or make fun of them for trying to find themselves. Try out new activities together. Go to a concert or a museum exhibition together. 

However, if your friend is a wallflower, don't suggest a bar or club. Just because they're going through a hard time doesn't mean they want you to put them in an uncomfortable situation.

Go to a concert or a museum exhibition together. However, if your friend is a wallflower, don't suggest a bar or club. Just because they're going through a hard time doesn't mean they want you to put them in an uncomfortable situation. Remind them that it will get easier with time. 

The sooner your friend hears this, the better off they will be during this transition period. Remind them that their new identity is a work in progress and that it will get easier with time.

The sooner your friend hears this, the better off they will be during this transition period. Remind them that their new identity is a work in progress and that it will get easier with time. Please help them to create a blog of their new persona. It's healthy to face yourself like an open book at these times, but there's nothing like having an account that documents your soul to make you feel vulnerable and raw when the days become long and complicated.

It's healthy to face yourself like an open book at these times, but there's nothing like having an account that documents your soul to make you feel vulnerable and raw when the days become long and complicated. Please share this article with them. They will think you're a godsend for sharing your wisdom or just plain common sense.

They will think you're a godsend for sharing your wisdom or just plain common sense. Be honest about what they mean to you, but don't become too serious about it.